Bobby "The Brain" Heenan
"Tito Santana is like a cue-ball: The more you strike him, the more English you get out of him."
Gorilla: "Hello ladies." (referring to the Rosatti sisters. The Rosatti's are several rather large women who, among other things, were regulars on the short-lived USA Network program The Bobby Heenan Show.)
Brain: "I guess the rodeo's in town again."
Gorilla: "Hey Brain, they recognized you." (again about the Rossatis)
Brain: "The only thing they recognize is a buffet."
Brain: "I looked it up - you know what Rosatti means in Italian?"
Gorilla: "Sure, it means red, rich, full..
"Brain: "Nope - it means lard!"
(Referring to Koko B. Ware's bird, Frankie) Gorilla: "Those birds can live to be twenty-five or thirty years old."
Brain: "Not in my house.
"Gorilla: "I'm sure
." Brain: "If he was in my house he'd be in a shake 'n' bake bag; do you like your parrots original or extra crispy?"
Gorilla: (His favorite response to anything Bobby says, exasperated) "Will you stop?"
(Referring to a match in progress in Texas) Gorilla: "Well, we'll be right back with a fight that's taking place very near where a big fight occurred many years ago.
" Brain: "You know why there were only 220 mexicans at the Alamo?
Gorilla : "Why?"
Brain: "They only had one car."
(Commenting on Hulk Hogan's entry/exit theme song) Brain: "That's my second favorite song.
" Gorilla: "I'm almost afraid to ask - what's your favorite?" Brain: "
All the rest are tied
Heenan: "Once you wrestle Rikki Atakki, an hour later you want to wrestle him again."
(Just before they run a Tito Santana match) Brain: "Did you know that Tito holds a place in the Guinness Book of World Records?
"Gorilla: "Yeah, for what?"
Brain: "He picked over 1600 heads of lettuce in a half an hour.
" Gorilla: "Will you stop!
"(Match is televised, Tito wins)
Gorilla: "Well, it doesn't look like Tito needs to concern himself with lettuce heads anymore."
Brain: "Yep - he can move right on to tomatoes."
Brain: "Do you know what Koko B. Ware's mom's name is?"
Gorilla: "What?" Brain:
"Tupper."
(Gorilla is talking about the last match, and Bobby is on the banana phone with someone, trying to get advance tickets to Wrestlemania VII, and one listens carefully and hears, inrapid succession) "That's right, tickets are going on sale... " "Well don't get smart with me, I'll slap you in the mouth... " "Do you want me to knock ya down?"(And as they pan off to an ad,) "I'll talk to you later mom."
v1.1 3/15/95
(At Superbrawl V, commenting at a match between Hogan and Vader) "Vader's gonna beat Hogan so hard, he (Hogan) will grow hair"
(At Superbrawl V, during the introduction of tag match between Avalanche & Big Bubba Rogers Vs. Sting & "Macho Man" Randy Savage.) Announcer: "Introducing at combined weight of 838 lbs here at BBR &Avalance...
" Brain: "Ho hoooooo!!! That's more than half a ton!!!"
Schiavone: "You are right, Brain." Brain: "That's more than the dandruff on Okerlund's head."
McMahon: "Brain, do you know anything about Voodoo?"
Heenan: "What? We were in a hotel room, but we didn't do anything.
" McMahon: "What are you talking about?"
Heenan: "What are you talking about?"
McMahon: "I was talking about Voodoo."
Heenan: "Oh, I thought you are talking about Lulu."
Heenan: "I KNOW who the Assassin is !!!!"Schiavone: "Tell us, Bobby, who?"
Heenan: "He's the guy down at ringside wearing the mask!"
"A friend in need is a pest."
"You don't have to yell at me! I'm not blind!"
(I have an old newspaper column written about Heenan when he was managing the Valients in the AWA during the 1970s. His final comment to the interviewer was) "The two things that scare me most about wrestling fans is that they're allowed to vote and allowed to reproduce."
Gorilla: "That was an illegal move!
"Brain: "No it wasn't."Gorilla: "Yes it was!" Brain: "No, it was a legal move, it was a Greco-Roman Hair Pull."
(One was, after a match with Battle Cat, they went back to the studio. Heenan said)"You know, Big Boss Man's mom used to wrestle." (pause while Monsoon looked at him) "She wrestled as Battle Sow."
(Bobby on Hillbilly Jim) Brain: "Now THAT'S no way to introduce a man like Hilbilly Jim!!"
Monsoon: "Well, how would YOU do it, Brain??" Brain: "Ladies and Gentlemen... the HICK FROM MUD LICK, HILBILLY JIM!!!"
(Bobby during Honky Tonk Man vs. Siva Afi) Monsoon: "There's probably 42 pounds of grease in his hair!"
Brain: "You're right. Siva Afi DOES look like a greaseball!"
(Bobby on Kerry Von Erich and his Tornado Punch) Brain: "Oh my, what a GREAT scientific move! A punch to the head!"
(Bobby on the WWF's 1-900 number) Gorilla: "Kids, ask your parent's permission before calling."
Brain: "And if they don't give you permission, just take a baseball bat, sneak up behind them, and BAM!!"
(Bobby on some random doctor saying the Bushwhacker's Power Walk is good for you.)
Monsoon: "What do you think of THAT, Brain??" Brain: "Does the word 'quack' mean anything to you?"
(Bobby on the Midday show) Brain: "Hey, Lou (Albano)! Know why the Sammartino's never got divorced? No one wanted custody of David!!"
(Bobby on The Body Shop, Jesse's version of Piper's Pit. Studd and Bundy are wearing paper bags over their heads, right after Andre and Bill Eadie debuted under masks as The Machines)
Brain: "Attention, Ladies and Gentlemen! I have brought over two new wrestlers from Japan! This is Kim Duc, and this is Pak Song. Now, let me ask you, is this the most RIDICULOUS thing you ever saw??"
(Bobby EVERY TIME someone mentioned the name of Sean Mooney, ex-WWFannouncer) Brain: "Who??"
(Bobby leaving the set of Prime Time Wrestling for the Bobby Heenan Show. He points to a gorilla doll...) Brain: "Could you please hand me the Koko B. Ware doll?"
(Bobby on the RIP match between Undertaker and Giant Gonzalez, after the lights came back on from a UT interview) Brain: "I finally know what RIP stands for! Ross Is a Pickpocket! Gimme my wallet back!!"
Brain: "And the little runt... "
Gorilla: "Did I hear you call Jimmy Hart a runt?"
Brain: "No, I was clearing my throat *HA-RUNNNNTK*"
(KoKo-B-Ware enters the ring with this wild new hairdo; stripes running front to back dyed in parrakeet colors. You can almost hear the gears start to turn in Heenan's head)
Brain: "Do you know what KoKo calls his new hair style?"
Gorilla: (With a groan) "No. What?
"Brain: "Afroturf." (A couple of weeks ago, after seeing Johnny B. Badd's Kiss That Don't Miss) Brain: "What a scientific move! The greco-roman punch to the mouth!"
(Let's not forget his name for Tito Santana's finishing move) "The Flying Jalepino!"
(I do remember once when I think money inc was facing the natural disasters. Dibiase was on the outside of the ring, just near the ropes. He wasn't paying attention to the ring. Earthquake bounced against the ropes and ends up smacking Ted in the face with his rear, pretty hard. Heenan's response:) "Well, you've heard of a headbutt. Now we've seen a butthead!"
(At Havoc 94 Flair walks by Bischoff and Brain was holding up 4 fingers. Hogan walks by after Flair has entered the cage) Bischoff: "When Flair walked by he held up 4 fingers. That was the sign of the 4 Horsemen."Brain: "When Hogan walked by I held up one finger."
(Wrestlemania IV. Brain To Bob Ueker) "You recieved 7,000 votes to get into the Hall Of Fame. You'd have gotten a lot more, but you ran out of stamps."
(Mocking Gorilla Monsoon)"There's one to the cervial dervial part of the back"
(In reference to Savage and Elizabeth reuniting at WMVII) "This is better than Love Story... if you like this kinda mush."
"Maybe her shoes are too tight""Musta had the chilli dog with onions" (In reference to the people in the crowd crying after Savage and Elizabeth reunited)
"He (Virgil) looks like George Foreman on Nutri-System."
(After Roddy, on crutches, is pushed down by DiBiase) "I've fallen and I can't get up!"
(At WMVIII, after Reba McEntyre finishes singing the National Anthem) Brain: "Boy, can Tito's sister belt one out!"
Gorilla: "Will You Stop!"
Brain: "That's Arriba McEntyre"
(Refering to Sherri)Brain: "That's my pin-up girl."
Gorilla: "I think you should see your occulist."
Brain: "There's nothing wrong with my feet."
(Again refering to Sherri and Shawn Michaels) Brain: "She is in love with that man."
Gorilla: "Yeah, but is the feeling mutual?"Brain: "Pardon?" Gorilla: "Is the feeling mutual?"
Brain: "Oh, what do you think, she's there, isn't she? He doesn't allow any bim... uh woman to be there."
Gorilla: "Bimbo? Did you say bimbo?" Brain: "I didn't say that, I coughed. I said 'Buimmmh.'"
"I had a guy give up one time during instruction."
- Gorilla: "There it is! El Paso Del Morte!"
Brain: "What did you say that was, extra hot paste picante?"
(Paul Bearer)Gorilla: "Always has that eerie smell of fromaldehyde."
Brain: "I thought that was your cologne?"
Brain: "I'm Indiana's favorite Bobby."
Gorilla: "You couldn't even carry Bobby Knight's towel
."Brain: "Who?"
(During Undertaker match)Brain: "C'mon ref. 1,2,3,4,5... " Gorilla: "What are you doing?" Brain: "I'm showing ya. The referee could've broke the hold. He's intimidated by that monster."
Gorilla: "Why don't you go down there and referee?" Brain: "I'm needed here."
Gorilla: "What would you do if you were the Hitman" (In a title match)
Brain: "Well, I'd have my agent buy it for me and if that didn't work I'd take him out back and waffle him with a tire iron."
(Refering to locations recieving WMVIII)Brain: "30 countries?" Gorilla: "Yes indeed."Brain: "Spell em."
"Remember that old saying, 'What the hell, use the bell!'"
Brain: "Shawn Michaels has left the building."
Gorilla: "Who Cares!" (OK, not really a Brain quote, but I thought it belonged here)
Gorilla: "I don't know who's the legal guy in the ring." Brain: "Danny Davis, the referee."
v1.2 4/1/95
(At SuperBrawl V, during Alex Wright vs. Paul Roma, after Roma had covered for 2 count and Wright lifted up his shoulder) Brain: "Roma's hair is so straight he looks like Don King."
"You know they say money can't buy happiness. Give me 50 bucks and watch me smile."
(At SuperBrawl V, during the Blacktop Bully & Dustin Rhodes matchup) Schiavone: "The Colonel is loaded, I mean he paid $75,000!"
Brain: "You being an authority on loaded!!!"
(At WMVIII, when Roddy faced Bret for the IC title...after Piper showed some professional courtesy for Bret) "You know that show of sportsmanship... the respect for each other, the enthusiasm they have... makes me sick!"
(1994 on WCWSN, some time after the SuperBowl) Brain: "Tell ya what Schivone. Let's make a wager in the Superbowl for fifty bucks. I'll take the Cowboys and you take the Bills."
Schivone: "The Superbowl was two months ago."Brain: "Who won?"
Schivone: "The Cowboys."Brain: "You owe me fifty bucks."
Bobby: "You know, if you want to be fair to Flair, you've gotta be fair and say that's heckuva robe. Only a man as fair as Flair, would show up at Wrestlemania... "Gorilla: "WILL YOU STOP!!!!"
Bobby: "Did you ever say Hello to Tatanka?"
Gorilla: "Yes." Bobby: "Did you do it properly?"
Gorilla: "Yes."
Bobby: "You said 'Hey How Are Ya, Hey How Are Ya.'"
"Is he (Tatanka) dancing or does he have a tack in his shoes."
Ross: "Back in Oklahoma, Bobby, we called a match like this aslobberknocker!"
Bobby: "I thought that's what they called the waitress at the Tip Top cafe in Downtown Tulsa."
"He's got that Achy Breaky Back."
"Once that (Beefcake's mask) comes off, we're having a Hockey game. Cause we're gonna have a face off."
(Regarding Beefcake's face being pounded) "Boy it sounds like a trip to the hardware store. I can hear the screws move, I can hear the metal plates goin.'"
"He's (Beefcake) like a refrigerator. Let's hang some magnets on him and the grocery list."
Ross: "Hogan's giving the money away!"
Bobby: "Hold my headset! I'm gonna go get some cash!"
"Thank goodness for next year, huh Ross. Indoor plumbing comes to Oklahoma."
"You know how some people can palm a basketball? This guy (Gonzales) could probably palm a Buick."
(Regarding Davey Boy Smith) "Million dollar body, ten cent mind and Whoopi Goldberg's hairdo."
Bobby: "There's gonna be a lot of trouble there in the Macho household."
Gorilla: "What are you talking about?"
Bobby: "Well, he's been reinstated, right? He can wrestle again.
"Gorilla: "Yes." Bobby: "Who's gonna do the dishes?"
Gorilla: "Brain, if you keep quiet, no one will know how stupid you are."
Bobby: "You're kidding."
Bobby: "Right here in Jim Louis Arena."
Gorilla: "Joe Louis!"
Bobby: "Joe Louis, sorry.
"Gorilla: "Who's Jim Louis?"
Bobby: "Who's Joe Louis?"
"It's four against four. Do you realize Duggan's looking across the ring and sees eight."
"You know why that woman's on the edge of her seat. She's got a 300 pound can behind her."
Gorilla: "I have trouble telling the Beverly's apart."
Bobby: "Beau's the one with the blond hair."
Brain: "This (back of the truck) has got to smell like Dustin Rhodes' living room."
Brain: "There's a beautiful section of Tupelo...18 trailer homes... those are Tupelo condominiums."
Brain: "That's the good part of town... notice there were only 38 cars up on blocks."
Brain: "Dusty and Dustin's dinner plate." (trough)
Brain: (As crowd chanted USA) "It's a shame Tony that Tupelo, Mississippi isn't part of the U.S.A."
Schiavone: "Well, Duggan is at a disadvantage in this type of match."
Brain: "He is at a disadvantage when he wakes up."
Brain: "I don't think that's Roc Finnegan, I think it's Burgess Meredith from the Rocky movies."
Brain: "Johnny B Badd's hands are really quick, he used to be apick pocket."
Brain: "Look at the nose on Finngean... Mt. Rushmore."
Brain: "I couldn't keep a pair of glasses on with that beak."
Brain: "Do you realize if an avalanche hit this town, they could apply for Federal Aid and get 18 or 22 bucks?!?!"
Brain: "That's a shame for Sting, cause if you go to the hospital in this town with a bad leg, they shoot you."
Schiavione: "This is a great town." Brain: "They should tear it down and build a slum."
Brain: (As Bubba worked on leg) "One good thing Bubba, he (Sting) won't be able to sue you"
Schiavone: "Why's that brain?"
Brain: "He won't have a leg to stand on."
Brain: "Whip him, whip him, whip him like a dog, then kick him!"
v1.3 4/15/95
(During Survivor Series) "And tommorrow, I'm having a bunch of guests over to my home in Beverly Hills, turkey for everyone, only 8 bucks a head at the door."
"I haven't seen that many punches thrown since Zsa Zsa Gabor drove through Beverly Hills"
(His famous quote whenever someone grabbed I.R.S. by the tie) "He's got him by his tongue!"
"He's (Vader) gonna hit him (Hogan) so hard in the head, he's gonnagrow hair."
(To Piper)"I heard a rumour that your mom and dad ran away from home."
(In reference to Stu and Helen Hart in attendance) "You know why they're nervous? They snuck in. They're looking out for theusher."
(During IC title match)Brain: "Don't touch that referee Perfect!"
Gorilla: "Why? A disqualification will save his title."
Brain: "O.K. Then nail him!"
"If I was managing the Bushwackers, I'd commit suicide."
(During Jailhouse Match at Summerslam 91) Brain: "I'm going to get the Bossman a pack of cigarettes."
Gorilla: "He doesn't even smoke." Brain: "No, but he's gonna need 'em to bribe the screws."
"He (Piper) used to get his lunch wrapped in a roadmap."
(During the Savage-Elizabeth wedding) "Why do they always call the second guy the best man?" "The ring bearer's really a midget."
(During I.R.S./Kid match) "This is a first. This is the first time the Kid's been up past 8:00."
"He (I.R.S.) hit him (The Kid) so hard, he knocked 3 zits off his face."
(After interview with Hank Carter, driver of the Lex Express bus) Brain: "The thing that amazes me is how did Lex Luger talk the former President into driving the bus."McMahon: "The former president?"
Brain: "Isn't that Jimmy Carter?"
McMahon: "Hank Carter."
Brain: "They sound the same. I think Rosalyne was the stewardess on the bus."
(After tights got pulled to expose the rear end) "Well, it's almost 10:00, we should've seen the moon by now anyhow."
(After one of the large Raw girls tried to kiss Razor Ramon) "Would you let a Winnebego kiss you?"
- (After a man proposes to his girlfriend on MNR) "You'll probably be hungry an hour later."
(During battle royal)Brain: "I'd have to go with the Quebecers."
McMahon: "I thought you said you were going to pick (Bastion) Booger.
" Brain: "I was, but I wasn't talking about this."
(At WM8, when he's talking to Gorrilla, he's getting angry off at Monsoon and wants to leave)"I'm out of here, do you want a Diet Coke or something?"
(On MNR. Bobby had just slammed one of the faces)Vince: "PLEASE Heenan!!
" Bobby: " 'Please Heenan.' Man, how many times haven't I heard that THAT in a day."
Vince: (silence) Bobby: "In fact, the RAW girl said that to me just last night... "
Vince: "Oh for crying out loud Bobby Heenan, STOP IT!"
Continued on Part 2: