Chance, by Dane G Crandon
Americans are calling it the 'O' crisis. No, it's
not Osama and it has nothing to do with a coloured
talk show queen - it's over-consumption and it's devouring
more cheeseburger fans than al-Qaeda and Saddam loyalists
combined. And we're on its hit list too. Obesity.
Big O has beaten the best of the best: Richard Simmons,
Susan Powter, Jane Fonda, Cindy Crawford, Dr Atkins,
Suzanne Somers, the taut team of Aerobics Oz style,
Gloria Marshall, Jenny Craig and how could we forget
Maggie Tabberer's wonder diet. Despite the honorable
actions of above and "well intentioned"
commercial efforts such as book-a-day release, monthly
miracle diet cures from the latest women's magazine
and fitness routines by the celebrity truckload, the
problem persists. Our waistlines continue to wobble
like a plate of jelly in the hands of a shivering
in 10 Australian adults and 1 in 4 of our not so little
youngsters are stepping their podginess onto the bathroom
scales and seeing the dial leap to the right. Instant
depression. Equally depressing, if not more so, a
recent edition of the Medical Journal of Australia
reports the prevalence of obesity in Australia has
more than doubled in the past 20 years. Yes, we're
getting hopelessly fatter. And this isn't a tortoise
climbing a ladder. No siree. The seemingly unstoppable
mega elephant of a dangerous trend is rolling down
the stairs and god help the straining healthcare system
at the bottom.
Australia tells us: -
· Diabetes is the world's fastest growing disease
· Over one million Australians have it - 50%
· It's Australia's 7th leading cause of death
· The Federal Government includes diabetes
as one of its national health priorities, with a cost
to the nation exceeding $1.2 billion per year
· And guess what? 80% of adult-onset (secondary)
diabetics are overweight
time to fight back. So, move over commercial failures,
the fat buster has landed. Pushing his way past the
amateurs, the tri-coloured redeemer is here to rescue
our burgeoning stomachs from ourselves. Ronald McDonald
is on the fat case.
food companies have long been criticised for turning
the lucky country into the chubby country. Our feeble
will power and laziness isn't to blame for our growing
fatness. How could we blame ourselves? No, it's "their"
fault! Well, times are a changing. The burgers and
fries have high fibre rivals. McDonald's now offers
salad, fruit, yogurt and vege burgers to compliment
the traditional menu. The blubber epidemic doesn't
stand a chance. Does it?
theory unprocessed options is a sensible move but
time-out for a moment. Ask yourself this simple question:
If you had weight issues where is the last place you'd
take your hungry insides? Inside the belly of a temptation
beast? Proponents will argue the prevention rule.
Sorry, that carries little weight with me. Most of
us can't think further than next week let alone relate
today's activities with consequences a decade or more
away. "It" won't happen to me is the silent
catchcry. Invincibility...that's how the populous
it's too late. And c'mon. How many
overweights visiting the golden arches will nibble
lettuce and suck watermelon? Imagine the drool. I'm
betting on the Oscar Wilde approach. "The only
way to overcome temptation is to give in to it".
my pessimism, McDonald's desire to hold onto their
market share and offer wholesome alternatives may
help curb our growing bottoms and it may help their
bottom line. But what of the real clowns? The weight
loss entrepreneurs. We know they're out there
Feeding off the fat of the land and hiding beneath
a cloak of science, these supersalespersons manipulate
and magnify our fears and offer false hope. And they
do it so well: the myths, the wacky ways, the unusual
and interesting pound-for-dollar drivel that promise
to transform the tubby to the trim. Believe it or
suppressant patches. Whenever I hear or read of the
"medicinal" badge I cannot but help visualise
Ronald's archenemy, the chain-smokingly crude Krusty
the Clown, and his overkill attempt to kick a killing
habit. Head-to-toed covered in slow-release nicotine-enriched
plaster and frustrated with the sluggish discharge,
the crude and candid character succumbs to inevitably
irresistible withdrawals and greedily tongues the
sweet drug from the many attached patches. Yum. Less
believable than The Simpsons, one particular patch
is sooo complete it offers a dazzling array of benefits
that does all except locate the g-spot. Don't worry
ladies, I'm sure it's coming. In the charlatan tradition
of travelling salesman selling dollar-a-bottle elixir
treatment for everything from baldness to burps, Le
Patch is a "Cutting-edge, advanced appetite suppressant,
metabolism booster, and energy enhancer...all in one!"
How fantastic! "With Le Patch, there are no more
starvation diets and no difficult and dangerous exercises!"
Of course, this sensation doesn't stop there. "Regular
use of Le Patch will nourish your muscles, remove
toxins, and even reduce cholesterol levels."
Do you want what she's having? (http://1800patches.com/lepatch/index.html)
right along, this next jewel is slim on sensibility
but no less fascinating and unorthodox. Apparently,
wrapping our portly selves in mysterious cocktails
of eye of newt and hair of Nepalese Yak (amongst other
wondrous ingredients) compacts fatty tissue and miraculously
reduces all-over measurements. Water runs uphill,
too. If you're hungry to hear more http://www.caisse.com.au/ghdb/bodywrap.htm
details how to achieve a constricted look.
like tattoos, aren't for everybody and temporary mummification
may be off-putting to some, so thank goodness there's
a simple solution to the physique that's eluded you:
Contour Magic. This easily applied slimming gel /
fat burning cream is a dream come true. Contour's
magical properties will "
areas for accelerated fat burning with its space age
formula in personal body shaping." Thankfully,
we're instructed not to rub the cream all over our
body as such tom foolery causes an all over effect
rather than spot reduction for the troublesome thighs
or stubborn hips. These guys think of everything.
"Just apply to the parts of your body you want
to reduce. Our cream speeds up the metabolism in those
" Voila! Good-bye love handles. Hellooo,
new me! Too easy.
onto the global pollution theme, the clever con artists
have correlated weight gain with toxin overload. Simply
down a herbal cleanser and let the biological detergent
rid the toxic mould from your plumbing. Once clean,
the unwanted weight will disappear too. To maintain
a purified state, monthly detoxifying is recommended.
As it should be. We must keep using the product(s)
after all. For those into regularity and wanting a
"Jaw Dropping and Fat Melting Weight Loss System"
check out http://www.lose-weight-fast-without-dieting.com/
Guaranteed to disappoint. Amazing.
rejoice. For sensitive olfactors out there, rest assured,
the weight loss gravy train hasn't turned its nose
up at you. Let me share the aromatherapy secret. All
we need do is expose our keen nostrils to wafting
cooking aromas and let our physiology take care of
the rest. "
the smell of food basically
"fills up" the satiety centers and you feel
fuller sooner. Just as there are certain smells that
stimulate the appetite (like for me chocolate) there
are certain smells that also neutralize the appetite,
and I've combined these essences in my AROMATHERAPY
weight loss program." Smell away the fat today!
weight loss quackery review would be complete without
mention of a contraption answer to sculpting the body
beautiful: buns of steel, firm breasts, cannonball
shoulders, six pack like a BBQ grill. You too can
be an Adonis in one easy shipment. Mysteriously, these
contemporary Michael Angelo's grow very accustomed
to gathering dust in storage cupboards. A workout-whiz
favorite was The Abtronic. Drawing on the power of
electrical muscle stimulation, this little beauty
claimed to deliver the equivalent of 600 sit-ups in
10 stomach-flattening minutes. Good Morning Australia
and Bright Ideas programs regularly promoted this
abdominal marvel. Doubting the marketing spiel, the
consumer watchdog, the Australian Competition and
Consumer Competition, flexed its muscle. Baby Face
Bert telling porkies? I can't believe it. Can you?
finally when all else fails, we can sit back, light
one up and ponder new possibilities. Philip Morris
(American tobacco company) has strategically offered
a smoking solution. Designed to curb puffer appetite,
the anti-eating sticks are to be promoted as "diet"
cigarettes. Have the road scholars at Philip Morris
ever heard of: "Robbing Peter to pay Paul"?
Let's try and solve a killer lifestyle problem with
a killer habit. Ingenious.
only scratched the sham surface. The wrongdoers are
plentiful and will do their best to lighten your wallet
not your weight. Thankfully, most of us gloss over
or totally ignore fraudulent weight loss practices
and deservedly bin the nonsense. Some don't. Health
illiterates and the desperate who can't take anymore,
take note - if the mystical claim sounds too good
to be true, it probably is. There are no easily attainable
solutions to cure obesity. Don't be a clown.
G Crandon ©
Family Restaurants (or should that be McDonalds Real-estate?)
Men and a Coffee Shop, by Dane Crandon - 14th August
S for Shane, by Dane Crandon
Man Australia, Greg Tingle, interviews Dane Crandon
- 14th August 2003